Living Demi

It has been a year since I came to know my sexual orientation-as a demisexual- and where that orientation lies both on the sexual and asexual spectrums.

The word “demisexual”, or “demi” for short, can be defined as:

“A person who only feels sexual attraction for another after a strong emotional bond has formed with that person. For many demisexuals, sexual attraction for another only occurs when they are in love with that person.”

To discover how I identify, to come to know my truth, has been a profoundly empowering experience. It has put my entire life into perspective, and has brought me great joy. It makes complete sense for me. I am reminded by a quote from the late singer/songwriter George Michael, who hid his sexual orientation from the public for over a decade in the early part of his career:

“It’s very hard to be proud of your own sexuality when it hasn’t brought you any joy. Once it is associated with joy, and love, it’s easy to be proud of who you are.”

A year ago today I posted on this blog about my demisexuality. Since I spoke my truth, I have had many people contact me with questions about my sexual orientation. It can be a difficult concept to understand. I thought I would now share some of the questions I have received in the past year, as well as my responses...

“Why is demisexuality on the sexual and asexual spectrums?”

For many demisexuals, when they are in a relationship, they can be highly sexual beings. Yet, in between relationships, they do not have sex, because they have not formed a strong emotional bond with anyone. So, a demisexual's relationship status can define where they are on the spectrums.

“I have recently discovered my own demisexuality. How do I discuss this with men I date?”

I would be completely open and honest with them. Speak your truth, and establish clear boundaries. You could say something like:

“I am a demisexual. I will not find you sexually attractive (or ‘I will not want to have sex with you’) until I have formed a strong emotional bond with you (or ‘until I have fallen in love with you.’) If you would like to be friends with me, in an asexual friendship, we can be friends. If you are merely looking to have sex with me, you should walk away now.”

“How can I help someone who just came out?”

This is a wonderful, important question. If someone has just come out, meaning shared their sexual orientation with you, first of all, thank them for entrusting you with that information. Next, ask if their sexual orientation is public knowledge. If not, do not share it with anyone. Keep their confidence. It is their truth to speak, to whomever they chose, at the right moment for them. Many people, upon learning the truth about a friend or loved one can lash out, potentially endangering that person. Keeping their sexual orientation in confidence could literally save their life.

“Does everyone in your life know that you’re demi?”

My friends and family know that I am a demi. Only a few at my workplace know. Talking about demisexuality, and the sexual and asexual spectrums, is a detailed, in depth discussion. I do not feel comfortable discussing this in the workplace, because doing would inevitably involve asking me detailed, highly personal information. For me, that discussion would be better suited to a social setting.

“Demisexuality is queer. Do you identify as ‘queer’?”

Growing up, I heard the word “queer” in school as an insult to demean a person who is homosexual. As an adult, I have heard many gay people and bi-sexuals use the word to define how they identify themselves on the sexual spectrum. To me, I have only known the word “queer” associated with homosexuality and bi-sexuality. So no, I do not identify as queer.

“How does it feel to know your truth?”

As I mentioned before, it is incredibly empowering for me. It puts all of my past relationships with men into perspective. My relationships with boys in high school and college were very brief, and never went to a sexual level. In the majority of my relationships, I did not have feelings for the boys like they did for me. I agreed to date them because I was flattered that they had feelings for me. If something was going to develop of a romantic nature, the only way for me to find out was to date them and see.

Many boys broke up with me within weeks because I would not sleep with them. They called me “frigid”, “a tease”, “a bitch”, and questioned my sexuality. My friends and roommates who were girls would ask me why I didn’t sleep with the boy I had just broken up with. My answer was always the same: “It never went that far.” That was the honest truth, and now knowing my demisexuality, it makes complete and total sense. That is just how I’m wired. I can’t manufacture feelings or sexual desire for someone I don’t love.  

“How long does it take you to have sex with a man?”

I think you are asking, “How long does it take for you to fall in love with a man and therefore find him sexually attractive and want to have sex with him?” In my last relationship, it was well over a year.

“What does it feel like to be in the 1%?”

It is said that sexual beings make up 99% of the population, and that asexuals make up 1% of the population. I am in the 99% when I’m in a sexual relationship with a man I love. Likewise, I am in the 1% when I am single. Being in the 1% might make it seem like falling in love would be an impossible task. I do not experience friendships, flirting, dating, sex or love like many others. Yet I can tell you that, even with those odds, it has happened. I have fallen in love. I have experienced love. What once seemed impossible has happened. That only validates the love I have experienced.

In closing, remember that everyone is on one of the spectrums, weather sexual, asexual, or both. Remember that everyone has a sexual orientation, not just the LGBTQ+community. Remember that the current Presidential administration in the U.S. is a war on the different. Loss of rights for some can soon be loss of rights for all. Our differences define us as a nation and unite us. If you feel it is time to come out, do it. Surround yourself with positive people that bring you love and light. Speak your truth. You cannot imagine the happiness, clarity, and freedom that awaits you.

"Speak your truth, even if your voice shakes."-Robin Sharma

Resources:
Human Rights Campaign: http://www.hrc.org/
The Matthew Shepard Foundation: http://www.matthewshepard.org/
The Trevor Project: http://www.thetrevorproject.org/
The New Civil Rights Movement: http://www.thenewcivilrightsmovement.com/
Asexual Visibility and Education Network: http://asexuality.org/

http://letrasalaluna.blogspot.com/2016/02/speak-your-truth.html

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