Me Too-Part Too-My "Me Too" Story
Part Two-My “Me
Too” Story
Trigger
Warning: Sexual Abuse, Sexual Harassment, Sexual Misconduct
I have had several misconceptions about
the Me Too movement. Like many Americans, I have heard many sexual assault
survivors share their stories on the news. In some cases, it was hard for me to
believe the accusations made, to fathom that these things even happened, given
the celebrity accused. Within these accusations, my focus was on the celebrity,
not on the men and women telling their stories.
I think that has been true for society as
a whole. When an accusation against a celebrity comes out, we automatically
think of the person accused, the celebrity, not the survivor. This is a natural
thing to do. We know these celebrities. They are part of the lexicon, part of
our culture, part of the American experience.
It can be hard to believe an accusation
about a celebrity or famous person, especially if that person has meant
something to you. Celebrities are lauded for their performances, for their
skills, as examples of success in their profession. It can be hard when
celebrities are reduced to the human beings they really are, simply men and
women, with their own flaws.
In my first blog post on this topic, I
wrote about the Bill Cosby case. The Cosby case is a great example of the
awakening of the American public to the Me Too movement, to men and women
coming forward with stories of survival. I can admit that I, like many
Americans, did not believe that Cosby was capable of such a thing. Then another
woman came forward with her survival story. Then another woman came forward,
and then another. There are currently 60 women who accuse Cosby of sexual
misconduct. My guess would be that you would be hard pressed to find a person
that does not believe in Cosby’s guilt, with this number of accusers.
The Cosby case was an educational moment
for me. In this case, and in subsequent cases, I realized that my focus was misdirected;
I was focused on the celebrity accused, not on the survivors. I immediately
began to change the direction of my attention to the survivors and their
stories of survival. Since this change, I now automatically believe the person accusing
a celebrity.
Perhaps this is a dangerous position to
take, to automatically believe the accuser. It is true that men and women have
come forth with accusations of sexual assault, only to have the claims
investigated and proven unfounded. In these cases, accusations are made for a
variety of reasons, including notoriety and extortion. However, those cases are
the exception, not the rule. Too much is at stake for the survivors that come forward with accusations of sexual assault. It is my belief that they would not do this lightly.
In the current climate, the presumption
toward the celebrity accused is “guilty until proven innocent”, the direct
opposite of our judicial system, which is “innocent until proven guilty.” Since
the accusations against Harvey Weinstein came out, 71 other men have resigned,
or have been fired, because of sexual misconduct.
If a person has been accused and an
investigation is launched to delve into the matter, if that person is then
exonerated,
I find no fault in that. That being said, my attention does not go
to any of the men on the above list, or to the countless others that have yet
to be named. My attention instead goes to the survivors of sexual assault. We
need to listen to the men and women that are speaking up, sharing their stories
of survival, making their voices heard.
I have also had misconceptions about the
Me Too movement, on a personal level. I thought that I, as a demisexual, would
be shielded from sexual harassment. However, as soon as I had that thought, I
realized how wrong I was. Not only can it happen to me, it has happened
to me.
Over the years I have heard many obscene
comments from men, regarding my body. Most of the comments made were in
reference to my weight. However, I have received many comments about my body
that were of a sexual nature, simply because of my gender.
Most women have been catcalled at one
point or another in their life. In fact, a new survey result indicated that 81%
of women have experienced sexual harassment in one form or another in their
lives.
The last such incident of sexual
harassment that happened to me was last year, during the Pride parade. I remember
being overjoyed to take part in the event. It was my first year participating
knowing my sexual orientation. However, at the end of the parade, I felt
anything but overjoyed.
As I marched in the parade, I blew
bubbles with a bubble wand, and waved to the crowd, walking to the beat of the
music emitting from our vehicle. In the second half of the parade, I had run
out of bubble solution in the bubble wand in my hand. As such I continued to
carry the now empty bubble wand, still smiling and waving to the crowd. Suddenly I heard a voice screaming at me from the side of the parade
route:
“Show me your big beautiful bubbles!!!!”
The comment was from a man. He didn’t see
me as a person in that moment; instead he saw me as being that he could objectify. The
comment was, of course, a double entendre. He was not asking to see me blow bubbles-he was demanding to see my breasts.
The crowd of people that heard the
comment immediately began laughing. People found the man’s comment to be
hilarious. I however found it anything but hilarious. I continued to march down
the street as if I hadn’t heard the comment. I was there to march, to express
my pride; I was not there to be publicly demeaned
and humiliated.
Upon recalling that incident, and
countless others like it, I immediately recalled another incident. This
incident happened during my adolescence. And it involved physical contact.
There was a boy in my art class that
stood out from the rest of the boys. I could not tell you why or how he stood
apart from the rest of the boys; to me he was odd, and markedly different from
other boys in the class.
The boy made his presence known to all of
the girls in the class by making flirtatious comments to each of us. What I had
yet to know was that the comments would quickly escalate to physical contact.
One day I went to my art class, and
entered the room. As I was about to sit down in my chair, the boy groped me. I turned around to face the boy with a look of shock and disgust on my face. The boy just sat there, laughing at my reaction. It was if he had
done it just to get a reaction out of me.
After school that afternoon I went home
and told my mother what happened. The next day at school, as I went to art class, the boy was not in the room. Our teacher then informed us that the boy who had touched me would
not be in our class again. It was then that I learned that I was not the only
girl that had been touched.
I did not see that boy ever again at my
school. I don’t know if he was removed from the class, expelled from the
school, or if he and his family moved to a new school district. Looking back, I did not discuss what happened with any
of the other girls. I wish we had had a discussion, all of us who had been
touched by that boy. Instead it was a hushed topic that no one talked about.
I know that my experiences of sexual harassment-being demeaned by untold catcalls from men, and being groped as an adolescent-do not compare in any way to the horrors of sexual misconduct and assault. Yet, my experiences are mine, and are the complete unvarnished truth.
As I said, there is strength in numbers.
If you would like to tell your story of survival, share it. Make it known.
There is strength in numbers. You have survived the unthinkable. And you are
not alone.
Share your story of survival. There is
strength in sharing the truth. You are not alone. Say it with men and women who
have also survived.
Me too.
“It’s the nature of movements that they
come from truth-telling.
You know, a few people getting up the
courage to say what happened to them
that was unfair, hearing, often to their
surprise,
many other people saying, ‘That happened
to me too.’
And if they unite and do something about
it, they can change it.
The final stage of healing is using what
happens to you to help other people.
That is healing in itself.”
-Gloria Steinem
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