What Now?
"What Now?"-written April, May, June 2026
Trigger warning: Epstein Files, sexual assault, sexual misconduct
PART ONE
I have something weighing in my mind. This may not make sense to anyone but me. However, it’s weighing on my heart. I have to write about it. I have to process it, express it, expel it from my being.
I’ve been following the story of the Epstein Files for some time now. It’s not a story that I sought out; yet I became interested in the topic the more it was a persistent presence in the news cycle.
I must be clear: I’m not writing about the Epstein Files, his crimes or those of his accomplices. Instead, this writing concerns someone mentioned in the Epstein Files: magician David Copperfield.
I must state that, the fact that a person’s name appears in the Epstein Files does not mean that they are guilty of any wrongdoing. Copperfield has denied all allegations against him.
I have not come to bury Copperfield nor to praise him. My intent in writing on this topic is to share my thoughts and feelings on the matter, about the dichotomy of separating the art from the artist.
*
I grew up a child of the late 1970’s. At the time, there were only three networks on television. One of the staples of television lineups at the time was variety shows. Many performers had their own variety shows on prime time television: Mac Davis, Sonny and Cher, Carol Burnett, Donny and Marie, and many more.
One of the most popular acts featured on variety shows of the time were magicians. Magicians Harry Blackstone and Doug Henning left audiences entranced. (No pun intended.) But soon there was a new magician on the scene, David Copperfield.
When I was growing up, Copperfield had a series of annual network specials. These specials were a live televised event, one night only, that only happened once a year. Before the days of VCRs, if you missed a special, you missed it forever; there were no repeats or reruns of the special. Audiences who missed the special had to wait until next year for the next special to be aired.
I was a young girl when I saw Copperfield on television for the first time; I was 7, 8, maybe 9 years old. I think the first time I saw him perform was in a special starring Emmanuel Lewis, star of the TV show “Webster”, a network sitcom at the time. Emmanuel was a child at the time; the special was written for children. It wasn’t until later that I stumbled upon one of Copperfield’s annual specials.
In the early years, Copperfield performed mini plays in his TV specials. The plays were like a Hollywood production number, full of costumes, musical scores, and special guest stars. The plays had no spoken dialogue; instead the stories were conveyed through dance, movement, and magic. The genres of the plays varied from detective stories to tales of romance, while other stories featured children. The stories in the plays were wholesome, thoughtful, full of sentiment and heart, a reflection of the culture at the time.
As years went on, the mini plays were written out of the Copperfield specials. Perhaps they were seen as too sentimental and old fashioned. Every special featured illusions, tricks performed for children, close-up magic, and a grand finale illusion. He made a train disappear, he went over Niagara Falls, escaped from Alcatraz, and made the Statue of Liberty disappear. By then, I was a fan of Copperfield. I never missed a special.
*
When I was around eleven or twelve years old, Copperfield began doing national tours in the U.S. I remember going to a local venue with my mother to purchase tickets for his upcoming show. I remember standing there, full of excitement at the thought of seeing Copperfield perform live. At one point the woman in the ticket booth looked at me and said,
“We have an extra marquis poster here that we don’t have room for. Would you like it?”
I’m sure I was struck mute by the question. I don’t remember uttering an answer in reply. Perhaps my mother answered for me. But there it was, in my hands, a poster for the upcoming show. I couldn’t believe my luck. It was a one night only performance. Not only did we have tickets, I had a poster! My little heart couldn’t take it. I’m sure I ran to my room and hung up the poster as we’d returned home.
The wait for the live show felt like an eternity. When the day finally came, I was in seventh heaven. Looking back, I don’t remember the show, per se. You see, we were in the first mezzanine, above the floor of the venue, stage right. Our seats were at the end of the row, which was next to a station that controlled the lighting cues for the venue.
It was fascinating to watch the lighting director move and adjust the instruments on the light panel, creating the lighting effects seen on stage. He’d flip a switch on the board and the lights on stage would flash. He’d glide a switch down the panel, and the lights on stage would dim. It added a new level to the experience of seeing the show live. I don’t know who I watched more that night-Copperfield on stage, or the lighting director!
After the show, my mother purchased a t-shirt for me. (I think the shirt had the Statue of Liberty on it; he had made it disappear in his TV special earlier that year.) We then stood in line for Copperfield to autograph the shirt. We were there with thousands of our friends, so I’m sure it took forever.
The line finally cleared. It was finally time for me to get my shirt autographed by Copperfield. One of his associates took the shirt from me, to place it on the table in front of Copperfield, for him to sign.
I was absolutely starstruck, seeing him in person. I squeaked out some form of sentence. Copperfield signed my shirt, smiled at me, spoke to me in reply, and I floated home.
That’s my one and only story of meeting and speaking to a celebrity. Me and a thousand of my best friends in my town.
*
Through watching his annual television specials, Copperfield became a staple of my childhood and adolescence. This relationship, if you can call it that, was a parasocial one. Defined by the Cambridge Dictionary, a parasocial relationship is defined as: “…a relationship in which someone feels a connection between themselves and a famous person they do not know, a character in a book, film, TV series, etc., or an artificial intelligence.”
https://dictionary.cambridge.org/us/dictionary/english/parasocial-relationship
Fast forward to my college years. I began working for my local library while still a college student. With unlimited access to the books in my library, all completely free with my library card, I began to research magic. I learned about Harry Houdini, other magicians in history; I learned about magic in film, and how famous tricks and illusions were performed. I learned about the techniques of magic, including misdirection, isolation, and more.
Learning the techniques involved in magic didn’t detract from the experience of watching magic being performed. In fact, it had the opposite effect on me. I was able to put aside the curiosity of how a trick was done and focus on the artistry of the magic being performed. Each magician brought their own unique style and skill to performing the same illusion.
I should take a moment to say that this was in the late 1990’s, a time when magic had its second golden age. Magicians began residencies in Las Vegas. Magic shows were televised weekly, with different artists featured every week. Audiences saw magicians perform new tricks and illusions which were broadcast around the world.
As time went on, Copperfield stopped performing his yearly specials. I’ve recently learned that he stopped doing yearly specials when he opened his Las Vegas residency in the early 2000’s.
*
Fast forward to 2009. A woman went to the FBI and accused Copperfield of sexually assaulting her while on his private island years earlier.
https://www.nbcnews.com/id/wbna32487443
No charges were brought against Copperfield. He then did an interview with Oprah in which he said he was the victim for having been accused of sexual assault.
https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/article/2024/may/15/david-copperfield-investigation
Fast forward to 2026. Copperfield's name was in the latest round of Epstein Files to be released. Days later he ended his Las Vegas Residency.
*David Copperfield has denied all allegations made against him.
https://www.newsweek.com/david-copperfield-denies-sexual-misconduct-1901075
Again I must state the fact that because a person mentioned in the Epstein Files does not implicate them of a crime or any criminal wrongdoing.
*
PART TWO
All my life I’ve been enthralled by magic. That being said, I’m stuck in another moral dilemma. I’ve written on this topic before, the possibilities of separating the art from the artist.
https://letrasalaluna.blogspot.com/2019/04/moral-dilemma.html
There are, unfortunately, countless examples in recent history. Michael Jackson. R. Kelly. Kevin Spacey. Woody Allen. Bill Cosby. The list goes on and on and on.
For me, this is comparable to the Cosby case. Cosby was a foundational figure to millions of children throughout the 70s, 80s, and 90s. While on a much smaller scale, Copperfield was that foundational figure in my life, beginning in my childhood. He brought me through my childhood to my adulthood. My childhood is forever changed.
I don't have the t-shirt anymore; I outgrew it decades ago. I don't have the poster from the live performance. Only the memories remain.
*
As I said in the beginning of this piece, this topic is weighing on my mind and on my heart. Upon hearing the accusations against Copperfield, I’ve done a deep dive on the matter. I was shocked and appalled at the wealth of allegations against him.
Again, I am not here to bury Copperfield, nor to praise him. My only intent in writing this piece is an endeavor to process these feelings.
How do I hold precious memories from my childhood? How do I remember him as the safe, stable figure from my childhood knowing the accusations against him? Is that even possible?
My rational brain knows that both things can be true at the same time. I can have warm childhood memories while these accusations exist.
However, this is a dichotomy that makes me extremely uncomfortable. I feel like my childhood memories are compromised. I also feel like I have no right to my memories. They’re not safe.
As for magic, it makes me uncomfortable to watch it now. Copperfield is to magic what Houdini was to magic: a world famous figure in the history of the art form. Do the accusations against him not tarnish the art form? Do modern magicians pay the price for the association?
*
A month ago I took a break from reality and watched a movie I’ve longed to see. I was pleased to finally be able to view the film; it had been on my radar for months.
However, shortly into the film, I was surprised to find a scene featuring magic. In the scene, a man found himself to be alone with a woman. The man had a deck of cards with him, which he was shuffling with one hand. The man noticed the beautiful woman sitting opposite him, and asked her to pick a card.
I had an immediate reaction to that moment. I instinctively said, “Don’t do that,” to the actor on my TV screen. For me, in my body, in my nervous system, that scene did not feel safe.
In reality it was a harmless scene, to introduce the two characters to the audience. The magic is a tool of the narrative of the film, to convey the charm of the magician. To establish him as a figure of trust and safety.
Yet, in that scene, the interaction between them, him asking her to pick a card, wasn’t just asking her to pick a card. Instead it was an invitation to the woman. To have a conversation, to open herself emotionally to interact with him. To pause, to laugh, to play.
Of course, taken from another perspective, that scene can be seen through a transactional lens. Why is the man asking her to pick a card? What are his intentions? What does he want from her? What does he expect of her? What happens if she plays along? What happens if she doesn’t?
That scene was an incredibly uncomfortable, vulnerable moment to witness. I did not feel safe watching it. I didn’t feel safe for the woman in the scene.
That is one of the tenets of magic, that anyone interacting with a magician will be, and will remain, completely safe. However, in reality, that may not always be the case.
*
My favorite romantic comedy films are the ones where the characters are seen by their love interest. Being seen, being known by another person on such an intimate, vulnerable level brings an accompanying sense of safety. We then, as viewers, can feel that safety by proxy.
I have several movies in my personal collection in this category, where the characters are seen and loved for all that they are. They’re hard to come by, so I’ve collected them over the years. Watching them gives me a sense of safety. What’s more enthralling than another human being seeing you and loving you for all that you are?
Since researching this news story, the accusations against Copperfield, I now have great difficulty watching these movies. I now see them through a transactional, or contractual lens. These interactions no longer feel safe. Right now, they make me profoundly uncomfortable. I’ve lost that sense of safety.
That’s what this is really about: safety. My memories aren’t safe. The affection I felt as a child is not safe. The attraction I felt towards him as a young woman is not safe. Interaction itself, vulnerability, is not safe. To be seen is not safe.
*
I recently saw David Copperfield in a trailer for a new biographical documentary. I was surprised to see him in the trailer as the subject featured in the movie was not a magician. More than that, I was shaken seeing him on screen. I hadn’t seen him on screen in years.
Actually, now that I think about it, I heard his voice before he was shown on camera; upon hearing his voice I instantly froze. When they showed Copperfield in the trailer he broke out into a smile, which made my flesh crawl. Seeing him in the documentary trailer brought everything to the forefront.
*
As I write this, I can hear a voice of opposition in my head: “Hope get OVER yourself. You have never been in any danger sexually. You have not been harmed. He didn't harm you when you had that moment with him over forty years ago. Who are you to feel unsafe?? Millions around the world have been VIOLATED. That’s not your story. You have not been harmed. GET OVER IT.”
I hear that voice, and it’s true. I was never in any danger when I went to see him perform as a child. I have never been physically harmed by him in any way.
That being said, I am at a loss. I cannot change, nor deny, how I feel on the matter. I can’t feel anything else in this moment. I don’t know where to go from here.
I pray for the survivors of sexual assault and sexual trafficking. I pray they get their day in court, if they choose to do so. I applaud the survivors who have testified before Congress. My heart goes out to the survivors whose identities have been revealed in un-redacted documents from the Epstein Files. I pray the files are released in their entirety, with survivor names redacted. I pray the truth comes to light.
*
I’m at a loss of what to do now. Yes, two things can be true at the same time. There are, sadly, countless examples of this in our current society and recent history.
This moral quandary has no easy answers. Personally I’m at a loss. While the memories from my childhood are precious to me, I don’t feel entitled to them. The memories are tainted. They’re not safe. I want no part of them; yet I cannot erase them from my history.
I want that sense of safety back. That’s what this is all about. It isn’t about magic as an art form, and it’s not about Copperfield. It’s about my sense of safety.
*
We can’t put the genie back in the bottle. Only half of the Epstein Files have been released. There is more to be revealed. The revelations could be seismic. They could be profoundly damaging.
As for me, I now need to create a sense of safety for myself. Therein lies the dichotomy. How do I build safety when the very definition of the word is ambiguous? How do I even know what “safe” is, when a model of safety, a male figure from my childhood, is accused of being a sexual predator??
I don’t know what to do, or how to do it. I can’t change the past, and I cannot change how I feel.
I’m at a loss. What do I do with this information? How do I begin to create a sense of safety in my life? What now?
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