The Bully
We all have things that scare us. We all
have our fears. Sometimes, our fears turn in to phobias. Whatever your fears
and phobias are, I would not share them with anyone that you do not trust implicitly. People can tease you
with this knowledge. People can taunt you, torment you, and bully you.
The word “bully” defined by the Oxford
dictionary as a “person who uses strength or power to harm or intimidate those
who are weaker.” Yet the word bully can be a noun and a verb. Bullying, the
acts of a bully, can be emotionally abusive as well as physically abusive.
Bullies can appear as friends; they can come from the playground or the board
room. Each bully inflicts their own special brand of intimidation and torment. People have even taken their own lives to escape the torment of their bullies.
Last week, I was in a big box store
shopping for groceries. I decided to go to the Christmas section, to see what
lights and greenery were on display. The day in question was before Halloween;
as a result, I passed several aisles of Halloween candy, costumes, lights, and
decorations. In the last Halloween aisle, I noted a woman with a shopping cart,
her child standing in the back portion of the cart. The child appeared to be
seven years old at most.
I found the Christmas lights and timers
in the next aisle over, which was literally the last aisle in the store. I
began to look at the few items that were on display. I then heard the mother,
in the next aisle over, pointing out different Halloween items to her son.
“Look Timmy, a mummy….look Timmy, a witch…” Every time the mother pointed
something out to him, little Timmy replied, “No Mommy, I don’t like that. That
scares me mommy.”
(Please note: I am referring to the child
as “little Timmy” because I do not know the actual name of the child.)
The mother continued to point things out
to her son, and he continued to make comments about how he did not like the
item, or that it scared him. I then heard the mother gasp and say, “Look Timmy,
a spider!” My internal antenna went up when I heard this. The mother’s tone of voice
when she said the word “spider” was palpable; I knew immediately that her son was
scared of spiders. The mother would not have said that word that way otherwise.
Little Timmy then told
his mother that he did not like the spider, and that it scared him. Within
seconds I then heard the mother gasp and say, “It moves!!”, referring to the fake spider.
I then heard a motor being turned on. I
then instantly heard little Timmy screaming at the top of his lungs, in abject
terror. He was in the throes of a panic attack.
“Aaaah!
I don’t like that mommy! Aaaahhh! Mommy stop it! Get it away from me! Aaahhh!”
The child was absolutely terrified of the
moving spider. He did everything in his power to get his mother to stop. She
did not stop. Instead she consciously chose to continue to torment her child.
Little Timmy continued to scream as his
mother taunted him with the fake spider. I then heard his mother begin to laugh.
I could not believe that she was amused by her son’s terror.
At this point, I decided to leave the
area and continue with my shopping. As I made my way down the aisle, I heard
the mother say to her son:
“That’s what you get for
being bad.”
I could not believe what I had just
heard. I knew she was consciously choosing to torment her child. However, I did
not know that she would attempt to justify her sadistically traumatizing her
own son by calling it “discipline.” I cannot imagine what that child would have
done that would merit such a “punishment.”
As I continued my shopping, I heard the
boy’s screams echoing throughout the store. By the time I arrived at the
checkout area, near the front of the store, more than five minutes later, the
boy had stopped screaming. Or perhaps I was too far away to hear his screaming.
From the moment that this incident began,
I knew it would not end well. When the mother said the word “spider”, I knew something
was going to happen, and that it was not going to be pretty. I recognized her
tone of voice. I heard that same tone of voice when I was bullied as a child.
There are times when people speak in an
ugly tone, speaking from anger and rage, from hate and torment, in a way that
cannot easily be described. If I were to define the tone of voice the mother
used in bullying her child, it would be "venomous." I heard that venomous tone
many times as a child by my bullies; sadly I have also heard that venomous tone
on the job, working with the public in customer service. It does not happen
often, but it has happened.
When the boy began screaming in the midst
of his panic attack, I instantly felt an anxiety in the pit of my stomach. The
panic was familiar to me. I had panic attacks just like that when I was bullied
as a child.
Panic attacks are awful. They can give
you sweaty palms, thoughts of impending death and doom, shortness of breath,
trembling, sweating, nausea, even heart palpitations. I have heard people say
that they thought they were having a heart attack, when in reality, they were
having a panic attack.
Driving home from the store, I could not
help but think of the boy. I felt horrible that he was put through that
torment.
I felt bad that the mother chose to traumatize her son. I felt bad
that the incident happened in a store, in public. I hoped that the mother
didn’t purchase the fake spider, to bring her bullying home.
People should never be bullied, harassed
and intimidated, taunted and teased, and tormented. For those that are, the
scars last for years. While I was bullied over thirty years ago, I still
remember the names of my bullies. But these were children I barely knew. I felt
so bad for the child, knowing that his bully was his own mother. I wondered what
the future would bring for him. I wondered if he was doomed to be bullied his
entire life. I wondered if he would grow up to bully others as he had been
bullied.
I used to say that there were two types
of children in this world:
those that have been bullied
those that do the bullying
Now that I am an adult, I am sure there
is the possibility that there is a third group of children, those who were
never bullied and never bullied others. I would call this group lucky.
I have learned that it matters how we
treat one another in life, and how we talk to one another. When I was a child, I was not like other
children. I was quiet, I kept to myself, and I never really fit in with groups
in school. When I was introduced into a new group, I remained very quiet. I kept to myself until I could get to
know the children, to know if I would be safe. As I came to know other kids, I
shared too much information with them, including my fears. If I had not told
them what my fears were, they could not have intimidated and bullied me.
Thankfully, my experience with bullies was never physical in nature. I was never physically assaulted or attacked by a bully. Also, the bullying was short lived. My parents got involved to protect me from my bullies when the school would not.
Thankfully, my experience with bullies was never physical in nature. I was never physically assaulted or attacked by a bully. Also, the bullying was short lived. My parents got involved to protect me from my bullies when the school would not.
As I became a young adult, I maintained
my methodology and remained quiet as I got to know people. Still, children my
age teased me and treated me unfairly. I remember being harassed and taunted by
other students. This happened for me my entire school career, from kindergarten
to graduation. Yet I consider these comments to be under the labels of teasing
and taunting, nastiness, rudeness, and ignorance. Not bullying.
As I grew older, graduated high school,
and moved on to college, I remained quiet in groups before I got to know
someone. I later learned that my quietness turned many others off; I was told
that I appeared to be self-involved and conceited. I was trying to protect myself, and yet I was accused of being arrogant and aloof, which could not have been farther from the truth.
For all of the bullying and comments I
received growing up, adults never treated me that way. I got along better with adults than I did
with children my own age. Adults did not want anything from me. I knew I was
safe with an adult. I was never bullied by an adult.
What happens to children that have been
bullied as they grow up? Many children grow up older and wiser, still bearing
the emotional and physical scars of their bullies. Our scars make us better
people; our scars make us who we are.
The time I was bullied had an effect on
me. I remember always being worried about what people thought of me, my personal
appearance, would my "friends" still like me if I share my opinions and thoughts. It
took me decades to be the person I am now, a woman who is comfortable in her
own skin. If someone does not like me or my physical appearance,
I could not care less. If they do not want to be friends with me, that is their problem and none of my concern.
I could not care less. If they do not want to be friends with me, that is their problem and none of my concern.
However, there are those that have been
bullied that internalize their hurt and humiliation. Sometimes they lash out in
anger, in fits of violence. In recent articles, it has been purported that all
school shootings have been perpetrated by those who have been bullied.
“Being bullied and being
rejected lead to feelings of isolation and powerlessness.
In turn, victims often feel an intense desire and need to regain power
and turn to violence as their remedy. This violence, coupled with
a total lack of any empathy, makes for a deadly recipe.”
In turn, victims often feel an intense desire and need to regain power
and turn to violence as their remedy. This violence, coupled with
a total lack of any empathy, makes for a deadly recipe.”
-Ross Ellis, founder and CEO of Stomp Out
Bullying
The moral of the story, if there is one,
is that, if you are being bullied, tell someone. Tell anyone. Tell everyone. If
you are being bullied by a sibling, tell your parent. If you are being bullied
by your parent, tell someone you trust. If you are being bullied at work, tell
your supervisor. If you are being bullied by your supervisor, tell your
manager. Do not stop until they do something about it.
If you are bullying someone, if you are
the group or office bully, stop it. People are going through enough problems of
their own without having to deal with your nonsense. Just stop it. It’s really
that simple.
“Don’t laugh at me, don’t call me names.
Don’t get your pleasure from my pain.”
-Steve Seskin, Allen Shamblin
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