The Discovery

It is a terrifying thing, when you are told that something might be medically wrong with you. Such a thing happened to me last week.

I was home on a vacation from work. I did not travel; instead I did errands in town and chores in and around my house. One of the tasks I had to complete was an eye examination with my eye doctor. I go once a year to get my eyes tested, have an eye examination, and usually get fitted for new glasses. It is always a routine examination. However, this last visit was anything but routine.

The examination begins with tests for the eye, with various tests. “Look through here; focus your eye here; hold your head this way; open your eyes wide; do not blink.” One of the machines was new this year-a machine to examine the internal workings of the eye, including the retina. This is where things became scary.

My eye doctor examined my eyes, and then looked at the results of the tests I had just completed. It was then that the doctor discovered an area of pigmentation on my retina. She then said that this was the reason I have been having so many headaches.

I have had occasional headaches for years. As my eyesight has changed, my headaches have increased, and I began to have migraine headaches. A migraine is a type of headache that has severe symptoms. Some of the symptoms of a migraine include significant pain in the head, sensitivity to light, sensitivity to sound, nausea, and even temporary changes in personality-all of which I have experienced in the past. (I wrote about what having a migraine headache is like: http://letrasalaluna.blogspot.com/2013/10/every-single-sound.html )

I have always had a feeling that my eyes were the reason I was having headaches. This simple scan from this new piece of equipment answered many questions. Yet, at the same time, it generated many new ones.

After pointing out the area of pigmentation on my retina, my doctor said we would have to monitor the situation closely. I asked her why it needed to be monitored so closely; her response was because the area of pigmentation is so close to my brain.

That statement terrified me. I could see the doctor was concerned, and now, so was I. I left the appointment feeling nervous about what the doctor had said. Her words echoed through my brain. I could not get her words out of my mind.

The next day, I went to a medical website online to learn about pigmentation of the retina and what it meant. I searched and was then taken to a page that briefly described it. The page also listed symptoms and scenarios that accompany this discovery-symptoms and scenarios that may one day be my reality.

The first example was pigmentation on the retina with headaches. The second scenario was with headaches and migraines. Another scenario showed pigmentation with tunnel vision. The last scenario was complete blindness.

It is ironic that, with this new diagnosis, one that is changing my vision, is increasing my sight. I already see the world around me quite differently. It is as if I am learning to see again-or learning to stop and take notice of what I see. It has also increased my desire to travel, to see more of this beautiful world, before the opportunity is taken away from me.

As scary as this discovery is, I am grateful to know about the pigmentation on my retina so my doctor can cautiously monitor it. If the medical office had not gotten this new piece of equipment, I still would not know the cause of my headaches.

No one knows what the future will bring. I do not know that this pigmentation will rob me of my sight; however, I do not know that it will not.

This discovery has been an awakening, has made me open my eyes, to take notice of the world around me. It has made me take notice of myself, in my body. I need to be observant and mindful to how I am feeling. 

If I have the slightest twinge of a headache, I need to take medicine so that it will not progress and become a migraine. If I happen to have a migraine that comes out of nowhere, which I have experienced many times, I need to take medicine for it and ride the wave until it is gone.

This discovery has been terrifying for me. I am scared about what the future could possibly bring. 

This discovery is a call to action, to be mindful and observant, to be careful, cautious and proactive. 

This might be the worst thing that could ever happen to me. Or it might be the best. It remains to be seen.

“I am learning to see. 

I don't know why it is, 

but everything enters me more deeply 

and doesn’t stop where it once used to.”

-Rainer Marina Rilke

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