Speak Your Truth
Speak Your Truth
(or "The Sexual Spectrums")
As a writer it should not be a surprise
that I am an avid reader. I feel that is a requirement of a writer, to read and
to continue to learn. I read books and I keep updated on the news of the day, mostly
via social media. I follow politics, stories about rights for women, the
environment, war and peace, the refugee crisis, entertainment headlines, health
and wellness, civil rights, and more. I never thought that reading one of these
stories would change my life.
One of the news agencies I follow on
social media is the Huffington Post. The Huffington Post was created by Arianna
Huffington and has a varied news base. They cover many of the topics listed
above. I follow their main news page on Facebook, as well as their pages for
news on Women, Lifestyle, Religion, Entertainment, Arts and Culture, and Good
News.
One day while on Facebook, looking at my
News Feed page, where posts from friends and pages I follow are
shown, one story caught my eye, called “What
is a Skoliosexual?” I had never heard of the term. I was
intrigued by the headline.
I clicked the link to find out more.
I clicked the link to find out more.
I remember learning about the sexual spectrum
a few years ago. Much like the spectrum of visible light, (shown below)
…there is also spectrum of human sexuality.
Homosexuality is on the spectrum, as well as heterosexuality, and bisexuality. The
visible spectrum above is what is referenced when referring to the spectrum. A
rainbow, the natural version of the visible spectrum, is the symbol of the LGBT
community and the sexual spectrum.
In reading the above article, I learned
that there are many points of reference on the spectrum in terms of sexual
orientation and gender identification. People can identify with different
places on the spectrum at the same time. Many times the LGBT community is
represented on the spectrum. However, there are more classifications than just "gay" and "straight." Many more letters that could be added to this list. Many sexual
orientations and gender identities exist on the spectrum, including:
Sapiosexual-one who is sexually attracted
by intelligence
Intersex-people born with an anomaly in
their anatomy
Androgynous-an expression of gender that
is neither masculine or feminine
Polyamorous-people in an open
relationship, having sexual relations with more than one person
Constellation-the term for a group of
people in a polyamorous relationship
Genderqueer-people who do not identify as
being male or female
Pansexual-one who has a sexual attraction
to both sexes
Skoliosexual-people who are sexually
attracted to transgender individuals
The LGBT sexual orientation list is but
one. The sexual orientation and gender identity list could go on forever:
LGBTQIASCGLPHHD
….and on and on into infinity.
In studying the sexual spectrum, I have
learned that there is a second spectrum, which is a romantic spectrum. This is
a romantic classification, which is separate from a sexual orientation.
Just as there are classifications for
homosexual, heterosexual, and bisexual on the sexual spectrum, there are
classifications for homoromantic, heteromantic, and biromantic on the romantic
spectrum. Where people identify as being heterosexual on the sexual spectrum,
they would identify as being heteromantic on the romantic spectrum.
Using myself as an example, I am a
heterosexual, meaning I am sexually attracted to the opposite sex. I am also heteromantic, which means I have
romantic feelings for the opposite sex.
I have also learned that there is a third
spectrum of human sexuality called asexuality, sometimes abbreviated “ase” (pronounced
like the playing card “ace.”)
Asexuality is defined as being without sexual
desire or having a low level of sexual activity.
About 1% of the world is asexual. The
asexual spectrum also has its own list of sexual orientations: LGBTIGHBPD
Learning about these three spectrums of
human sexuality, I went back to the original article from the Huffington Post. It
was at this point that my life changed forever. I have found that in addition
to being on the sexual and romantic spectrums, I also identify on the asexual
spectrum.
Again I am heteromantic, meaning that I have
romantic feelings for the opposite sex. I am heterosexual, meaning I find the
opposite sex sexually attractive. I am also a cisgender female, which means
that my soul is in alignment with my physical body. (Cisgender is the opposite
of transgender.) In addition to these classifications, I am demiromantic and I
am demisexual.
"Demisexual Flag"
In examining the word demisexual, the
prefix of the word, “demi”, comes from the French language, meaning “half.”
Therefore, the demisexual orientation is halfway between the sexual and asexual
spectrums.
“What does it mean to be ’demi’, either demiromantic or demisexual?”
The word demiromantic is defined
as having romantic feelings for another person only after a strong emotional
bond has been formed with another person.
The word demisexual is defined someone
who only experiences sexual attraction after a strong emotional bond has been
formed with another person.
For some demisexuals, this strong emotional bond
can be a friendship; however, other demisexuals need to be in love with another
person before they find them sexually attractive. I fit into the
latter category.
“Why
is demisexuality on the asexual spectrum?”
Many demisexuals have sexual relations
while in long term relationships, and yet have no sexual relations nor
experience any sexual desire when they are not in a relationship.
Also, many demisexuals are capable of
experiencing moments of sexual desire which are not linked to a strong emotional
bond; often there is a hormonal change that brings about this sexual desire.
Up to ninety-nine percent of the people in
the world identify on the sexual spectrum and experience a primary sexual attraction
to another person. A primary sexual attraction is based on the physicality of another
person, their body or their face.
However, demisexuals have a secondary
sexual attraction. This occurs from falling in love with another person for who
they are, their soul, their personal qualities and charms. Whatever the
intangible qualities are that make us fall in love someone, that is what turns
romantic feelings into sexual attraction for a demisexual.
It is a wonderful thing to be found
sexually attractive by a demisexual. It is the ultimate compliment. When a
demisexual falls in love with someone it is because they are in love with that
person, for who and what they are, for what makes that other
person uniquely them. It is a pure form of love in that it is a sexual
attraction to the soul. Isn’t that we all long for, a pure form of love, to be
loved and found sexually attractive for who we truly are?
Like all sexual orientations,
demisexuality is not a choice. It is a
different way of looking at the world, relating to other people, the world
around us, those we love.
I recently read a wonderful article
written by a fellow demisexual:
“I’m
Demisexual: You Have to Seduce My Heart Before You Can Get to My Body.”
For me, you have to seduce my soul
before you can get to my body.
As a demisexual and a demiromantic, I am
capable of finding men attractive. On my Pinterest account, I have a page of
photos of men that I find attractive. I have entitled the page “Hamanahamanahamana”,
a nonsensical word, a sound heard in cartoons or comedic movies when men find a
woman sexually attractive. Here is a link to the page:
I do have the capacity to find men
attractive. With the men shown at the link above, who could not find the beauty
of the masculine form? However, there is no sexual desire attached to the
attraction.
I can remember something always being
off, or different for me, in relationships with men. When I was in college, I
dated several young men. I had romantic feelings for some of these young men;
however, there were other young men I did not have feelings for. I remember a
friend asking me about those young men I had dated, and why those relationships
had never become physically intimate. The truth was that those relationships
had not progressed to the point of intimacy.
I could not manufacture feelings
that were simply not there.
Since my college days I have dated men, been
in a few relationships, and have had men flirt with me. True to form, I was
oblivious to their flirtations.
“They were flirting with me? I was just
being friendly with them.
I had no idea they were flirting with
me.”
In my last relationship, it was several
months into the relationship before I fell in love with the gentleman in
question.
It was close to a year for my romantic feelings for him to become sexual in nature.
For years I knew something was different
about me. For years I wondered what was wrong with me. I thought I was
defective. I thought I was damaged. I thought I was unworthy of love in my life.
I thought I was not good enough.
For years people have made judgments
about me, misconceptions regarding my orientation.
“You are a lesbian and you
are afraid to come out.” “You are frigid.”
“You are a bitch for not putting
out.”
With each judgment and misconception, I tried to explain my truth. Yet
those who stood in judgment of me would not listen. After a while, I blocked
out their judgments. Whatever someone else thinks of me is none of my business.
Reading that article in the Huffington Post made all of the
pieces of the puzzle fit for me. Yes, as a “demi” I perceive the world
differently than others, and yes, there is a difference in how I interact with
others. Yet there is nothing wrong with me. I am not defective. I am not
damaged. I am worthy of love. In fact, I have found and experienced love in my
life! I am good enough.
There are 7.34 billion people on this
planet. Everyone has a sexual orientation, not just the LGBT. Earlier I shared
the statistic that 99% of the world is on the sexual spectrum, whereas 1% of
the world is on the asexual spectrum. However, as a demisexual, I’m in between
both spectrums. With so many people identifying as demisexual, as well as other orientations on the sexual
spectrum, those numbers are sure to change.
Have you ever felt that you just don’t
fit in, that the pieces don’t fit, that there must be something wrong with you?
If so, consult the lists of the spectrums. I have posted several links to resources below. I guarantee you will find yourself on one of the spectrums. You might find yourself on several places in the
spectrums, as I did.
Last night I told a friend I had written this
piece. She asked me what motivated me to write about something so personal, so
completely vulnerable. I wrote this piece, and decided to share it here today, so
others would not feel so alone. For years I felt alone. Now I know there is a sexual orientation and romantic classification that defines my experience. And if it exists, there are others like
me who are having the same experience.
Before two weeks ago, I did not know that
demisexuality existed. Yet, I now have a word to define my experience.
Whatever you are experiencing, I want you to know that there people out in the
world who can relate to what you are feeling and experiencing. I want you to
know that you are not alone.
Wherever you find yourself on the
spectrum, that is where you identify. That is what you are. You are not alone.
Do not ever be ashamed of your gender identity or your sexual orientation. Be
brave. Stand in your truth. To heck with others that might disbelieve you or
judge you for who and what you are. You are as God made you. You were put on
this Earth for a reason. There is no one else like you.
Tell your story. Speak
your truth.
Resources:
© Esperanza Habla All Rights Reserved
Comments
Post a Comment