the Path to Forgiveness
In the last year, I have begun to
study and follow many life coaches and spiritual mentors. One of the mentors I
follow is Iyanla Vanzant. She is a minister, spiritual leader, and a life
coach. She has a weekly show on U.S. television; I find I learn something from every
episode I watch.
Last week, Iyanla Vanzant posted on
her Facebook page that she has a new book out called “Forgiveness: 21 Days to Forgive
Everyone for Everything.” Here is a link to buy the book:
When I saw the post, I mentioned it
to a friend who is going through a private, personal struggle, and is working
on forgiveness.
Later that day I told another friend
about the book, and that I hoped my library had ordered a copy of it. I would
like to read it and learn more. This friend then asked me if I have forgiven
the man who last broke my heart. My honest reply:
“No, I have not.”
“No, I have not.”
I explained that, when it comes to
forgiveness, I feel we have three choices:
1.) to forgive the person that
wronged us
2.) to forgive the deeds the person
did to us
3.) to do nothing and not forgive
the person or their deeds
I chose to forgive the deeds of the
person, not the person themselves.
The friend I was talking to paused a
moment. She then asked me, “What would
it take for you to forgive him?”
My reply:
“If
he came to me and owned up to his behavior, if he was remorseful about what he
had done, if he felt bad in his heart, if he truly apologized from his soul, I
would forgive him.”
My friend understood, yet she seemed
disappointed by answer. She did not know how I could choose to forgive the
deeds of the person, and not the person themselves. I then went on to clarify my answer….
“I
cannot forgive that person without their being some remorse, and some form of
an apology. The things he did were conscious, deliberate actions. He consciously
chose those actions and behaviors.”
My friend nodded her head in
understanding. I then continued my thought….
“There
is a path to forgiveness. Whether a person is forgiven, or their deeds, one of
the most important parts of forgiveness is letting go. I had to learn that,
even though I had done nothing wrong, I would not be getting an apology from
the person who wronged me. I had to deal with that pain. I had to find a new
normal, and to be okay in knowing the apology I deserve is never going to come. I had to know that within my soul and let it go.
It
is like the quote from Buddah about anger: ‘Holding on to anger is like
drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.’ Forgiveness is a very
similar thing. If I do not forgive, then I am the one that suffers. I could not
carry that hurt inside of me anymore. I had to work through the pain and let it
go. In the time since the event happened, I have let go of it, and I have
forgiven his deeds. That is all I can do.”
The path to forgiveness is not an
easy one. But it is truly a path, a process, a journey, one that requires caution and mindfulness with every step.
Comments
Post a Comment